Disappointment 101

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What is disappointment? The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.

I can safely say that I have had my share of disappointment. I am do all I can to give myself and my life a good life, by good life I am not at all talking financially. Yes it’s good to be financially responsible but setting a goal to become rich shouldn’t be a goal. I am writing a book along with doing my blog but as of late  I have been extremely disappointed at some of my work along with someone trying to railroad me. However it won’t stop me from doing what I love to do and teaching my kids that you continue fighting even when it’s hard or when someone tries to crush your dreams. We don’t all have to have the same aspirations to become someone. When you let someone control how you should think or feel then it’s time to really evaluate the situation. I am at that point right now. Why am I letting things disappoint me? Am I being selfish or is it something I really have control over. I think my disappointment comes from feeling like I failed at something. My first reaction is to give up or I can’t do it anymore. Usually it takes me a few days to drop back into reality. Why am I giving up? Because I am hurt or feel defeated? Not really a good way to get your point across or setting good example for my kids. So I had a fall or mishap, it’s time to get up and stop feeling sorry for myself because something went wrong. I won’t lie a lot of tears have been shed but I am hoping that it will only make me a stronger person. We all have disappointment in our lives it’s how we handle it that can make all the difference in the world and I pray that strength will always carry me through till the very end. Never give up on yourself or your dreams because life still goes on!

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Losing My Babies

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One of the most painful memories I have would be losing my babies. My first loss began back in 2001. I had already had a child that was born in 2000 she was my joy for sure. I remember how easy it was raising my daughter, she never gave me a problem. I knew I wanted more children, 3 to be exact. So when my daughter was about a year old my husband and I tried for baby #2. I found out about 4 weeks later we were pregnant again. I was so excited that I probably had taken about 4 tests just to make sure. Sadly my joy turned into heartbreak, my grandfather was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia, unfortunately he passed away about a week later. My grandfather meant so much to me and it devastated me. About 3 weeks after his funeral I started bleeding and having cramps. I immediately called my doctor, he told me to head to the E.R. to be checked out. My husband at the time stayed home with our daughter and I went alone and scared. They took me back into the ultrasound room. The lady who did the ultrasound was awesome and professional. She kept looking around and listening for the baby along with the heartbeat. We could both see the baby but not a heartbeat. I think my heart stopped at that time all I could do was cry. I was about 16 weeks pregnant so we could certainly see that it would a little smaller than a normal 16 week fetus. They let me go home that night but I had to go the next morning for a D&C because the baby was still in the womb. That was the worst feeling ever knowing I had no control that my baby was about to be sucked out of me. As heartbroken as I was I still had to go on no matter what. The doctor’s office was so kind to me they sent me a card along with an angel pin in remembrance of my baby. I took that pin and went to my grandfathers grave dug a little hole and placed it inside. I knew my pappy would look out for my little angel. At the time I couldn’t understand why this had happened but decided I would try again for another baby, maybe it wasn’t the best move but the doctor said it would be ok to try again in a few weeks but wait to heal. Well we did try again about a month later, bingo pregnant again. I was so nervous and scared but happy at the same time. At the 6 week check-up everything was doing great. We got to hear the heartbeat and see him/her. I took it easy and did as the doctor ordered. One afternoon I went to a friends baby shower when I started feeling some cramps so I figured it was because I needed to go to the bathroom. I sat down and did what I needed to do as I was wiping a big blob of blood came out of me. I knew exactly what it was, I could see a very tiny baby obviously you couldn’t see a fully grown baby but it looked like a little alien. I had just had another miscarriage no less at my friends baby shower. I wrapped up my baby and put it in my purse. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone because this was supposed to be a happy time and kept it at that. I left and drove myself to the doctor’s office. He confirmed what I already knew but there was nothing we could do about it since I delivered everything that needed to be delivered. Anther heartbreak in the books for me. You would think with the loss of my 2 babies that it would discourage me from having more children. It actually did the opposite I believe God wanted me to care for as many children as I could. Later my doctors reveled to me that I had a condition called bicornuate uterus, which is basically a heart shaped uterus and it can cause a miscarriage or preterm labor. I am happy to say that I did have 2 more children who are healthy and happy. My last daughter was born by emergency c-section due to breach presentation. Although I think what those 2 babies would look like or be, I am very thankful to have the 3 girls I have now. I never go to know if they were boys or girls but God had other plans for my babies.

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Believing in Faith!

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I thought I would write about something very dear to me. It’s been quite a year as indicated in an earlier blog. It seems I can’t get around the things I fear the most. Instead I try avoiding everything that I have no control over and it drives me crazy. So what is Faith? Is it easy? Faith is a complete trust or confidence in someone or something. It’s not easy at all to believe in something you can’t see or feel. I do have faith but sadly it has been only on my terms. My life has gone through so many struggles and it all started when I was a kid. Without all the details it was rough for me to come to terms or accept what I couldn’t change. For some reason I thought I could lead on my own understanding, well that hasn’t gone very well. I found myself living inside this bubble of my world, protecting myself from hurt from pain but looking back it didn’t help me at all instead it has made that bubble even bigger and harder to pop. I realize that we only get one chance at life and years have been wasted wondering and worrying about what’s going to happen next, instead of living every day for the moment. I sit and wish I could go back and change so many things but  if I did that I wouldn’t have learned any of life’s lessons. Now as a mother I try to teach my kids to enjoy every moment, instead of wasting precious time. Even in  my darkest moments I know where I need to be and that would be laying all my fears and worry in God’s hands instead of relying on myself to get through it because it has only brought me more fear and anguish especially when I can’t fix it.  Some may say they don’t believe or even care about God and I say that is completely your decision and this is mine. Don’t get stuck in that bubble and then have no way out, find a way, fight hard for what you have faith in. I may never know why things happen they way they do good, bad or indifferent but I need to have more Faith and dig myself into God’s word because that is where my strength needs to come from. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

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Remembering Our Heros

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As life goes on for some, for others there is still pain. I remember very clearly what I was doing on that very fateful day. I had just gotten out of bed to go get my toddler from her crib. We lived in a duplex at that time and it was quite silent that morning it was almost scary but just went about doing my normal everyday thing. Normally my daughter was wide awake at 7 in the morning but today she had slept in so I kind of took advantage of that by cleaning up a little.  I didn’t really realize what was going on until I put my daughter in her saucer and turned on the t.v.  Her normal programming wasn’t on so I sat down and watched what was happening. The shock and disbelief were overwhelming. The first tower had just been hit, at first it looked like it was just an accident, but then the 2nd plane hit. I felt my heart stop thinking the world was under attack. I couldn’t believe someone could do the unthinkable. All I could do was pray for those who lost their lives and for the families. For the next several days the news was filled with heartbreak and revelations. There were so many hero’s that day, the NYPD, the firefighters, and those who diverted the plane from heading to the White House. Of course those good samaritans who just wanted to be there to help in any way they could. There are just too many to say thank you to.  It’s so sad to know that even more have died trying to save one another’s lives. The sacrifices that were given on that day as well. I know for me I will never forget anyone who was lost that day. 17 years have gone by so quickly and yet still just as painful for many. I thought today should be a remembrance of those lost and to say thank you to those who did all they could to save so many lives.

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My Biggest Fear

As I look at the calendar I am reminded of this time last year. It was the first time I realized that it was time for a mammogram. Being only 39 years old why would I need one. I knew my family had a history of breast cancer. 3 generations of women having it along with 2 of them having removal of 1 of their breast with 1 having a double mastectomy. Unfortunately I don’t have a relationship with those family members so I really didn’t know anything about their type of cancer. 

So about 2 years ago I noticed I had a lump but I pushed it off as nothing just maybe a cyst, it wasn’t very big at all and it moved when I touched it. Google was my best friend because I was terrified with the thought of having breast cancer. So I looked up symptoms of breast cancer and it seemed it didn’t pertain to me so I just kept living my daily life. However after about a year of ignoring it, I started feeling pain and it have grown just a little bit. So I made the decision to go for my mammogram.

As I sat in the room after the mammogram all I kept thinking was please God let me beat the odds and be ok. The room was filled with pamphlets about what to do when you have breast cancer. I waited for about 15 minutes impatiently. Finally the nurse comes in and says “we need to redo one of your breasts” seriously after waiting I need a redo! With great hesitation I did the redo only to wait another 15 minutes. This time the Dr wanted to see me. We went into a different room, we sat down and he proceeded to tell me that my mammogram came back abnormal. I had 3 cyst along with  micro clarifications. They rated it as a bi rad of 4 which means suspicious abnormality. The fear I felt was just too much all I could think of was my 3 girls and how could I fight this. 

So for the next few months I had biopsy’s, ultrasounds, and an MRI. They came back to be ok but now I have to go every 3 months for check ups and if needed my cysts to be removed or drained. Not fun at all but I am so glad I had my mammogram in the first place! I found out right after my mammogram that the BRCA gene ran in my family so I had more blood testing to do. Thankfully I did not have the gene but the Dr told me that I have an 85% chance of getting breast cancer in my lifetime. Scary as hell let me tell you but prevention is key and if that means we go through tests every other day then that’s what we do to make sure our quality of life continues. So as my test grows nearer nervousness overwhelms me but I am doing all I can for now and leaving it up to the Drs to make sure they do their job in helping me prevent or at least get early detection caught before anything more serious happens. So thankful my family has been there for me because without the support it would make it a little harder for me to get through but I also know God walks with me everyday.

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Blogging Easy???

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So about 3 weeks ago I had thought about doing my own blog thinking oh this will be a piece of cake. Well it hasn’t been as easy as I thought. I love the writing part along with sharing my thoughts and ideas. How hard could it be right, just jot down some words and push the publish button. Unfortunately it’s taking a little getting used to. I actually have a pretty full day that seems to not calm down until later in the evening. Along with doing a blog, I am a learning coach for my daughter through cyber schooling. We have 2 dogs that need my attention constantly, oh and a cat but she seems to stay out of trouble most of the day. I pick up my middle child up from work everyday, she does co-op through her school. I try and figure out my dinner the day before but doesn’t always work out the way I want it to. Along with doing all that I am writing my first book, and let me tell you that is challenging as well but it’s something I love to do. Plus I am trying to teach my girls something in the process, you will always have people telling you that you can’t do it or it won’t work out but I believe that if you really set your mind to it that it really can be done no matter how hard. Through your trials in life in can either make you or break you, I choose to not let it break me. So although my daily life is rather busy and hectic I do like to take time to just relax and enjoy the little things in life rather than let them pass me by. Sometimes people need to be encouraged in life instead of being brought to their knees. Encourage each other daily so that it is easier to deal with and handle life. I am going to continue to blog and write no matter what others think even though it’s not so easy!

Mama’s Wish

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Ah the joys of being a parent! Some of us think being a parent is easy others think it’s the most difficult job that you could ever have! My opinion is probably both depending on the child. Having 3 girls means 3 different personalities! My girls were overall healthy when they were born so that was a definite plus. So as they got older my wishes for them changed almost every year. Of course I thought I could change them and make them who I wanted them to be, except there was a problem. They weren’t me and I didn’t have that right to tell them what to be or who to be, I only had control of how I disciplined them for their behavior. Some say it could be the parents who are to blame when kids act out or do something completely out of character, I beg to differ. I raised my girls in a loving home and did the best I could with what I had. Have my kids ever had disciplinary issues? Absolutely! Did I teach them to be that way or do that behavior? Absolutely not! I grew up in a different era so I was taught RESPECT and knew what not to do! Today’s society seems to be a little more lenient. Could I have been a better parent? I sure could have but again I had grow into being a parent. I also have a child with special needs so that probably through me for a loop on how I should handle things as well. So bringing me back to the title which is mama’s wish, I would have to say it would be that my children remember where they came from and that they stay true to themselves. I don’t care whether my kids are doctors, teachers, a waitress or just a stay at home mom. They need to do what’s best for them not me. Do I want them to be successful? Yes, I do but more than that just be them, not to change because of what other people may think. In the end the only thing that matters is being there for them when they mess up or just get it right. Time doesn’t stop when you want it too nor will it so enjoy every single moment even in the shadow of darkness. Love always wins!!

Sticks and Stones!

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I don’t know about you but when I was a kid I would hear this all the time “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me.” Well I am here to say that is just not true. Although we may have control over most of our emotions everyone has been hurt by words at some point in our lives. Sometimes words aren’t even meant to be hurtful but to someone else it may have come out all wrong.  You have some people who speak their minds without regard to how the other person may feel about what you just said. I think it’s good to tell someone exactly how you feel but in a way that isn’t accusing or demeaning to the other person. I try to live by the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all! Even though sticks and stones may break your bones so do words that can cut through you like a knife. I also try to remember that we all may have a different perspective about things and it may no coincide with mine so we need to keep an open mind with how we are talking to people. Believe it or not you leave an impression on someone with the way you talk to people and the way you about people so keep that in mind next time you think “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” 

It’s The Little Things!

I think there is definitely some truth to hearing someone say “it’s the little things in life”. Something as simple as watching your husband sleep or sneaking up the stairs to make sure your kids are tucked in and ready for bed. Sadly I have had some bloggers on my you tube pass away and another fighting for his life. It takes your breathe away and you really have to stop for a second and say “hey that could be me”. I am in process of writing a book and I get my inspiration from sitting in silence and observing the things around me.There are a massive amount of trees behind my complex and to open the patio doors to hear the chirping of the birds or the dew shimmer from the grass is a calming feeling. I have a heavy load that I carry everyday and try so hard to figure out what and how my day will go but it shouldn’t be hard at all. Just waking up and being able to breathe should be enough and I think for most of us it’s taken for granted. So I think from now on I need to remember it really is “the little things in life” that matter most because with a blink of an eye it could be all gone!

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